Our Lady of the Perpetual Skid Mark

We've all had them, at one point in time. No one really likes to talk about them, let alone admit out loud to have having had one. They come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and even (for those who check) scents. But have you ever really examined a skid mark? No, no, no.....not the ones found at the race track, or at the site of a firey accident, I am talking about the ones EVERYONE has found befouling their underwear.

I took the time a few weeks ago, while scrubbing and willing out the disgusting mark, that was born from either laziness or farting when I shouldn't, from a new pair of white 2xist boxer briefs. As the stain faded more and more with each scrubbing, I noticed, very faintly, that the virgin Mary was winking at me. Impossible you say, and even I, heathen of all heathens, stood there in disbelief. The proper expression to use here would be "holy shit"! Mary is speaking to me in the most crass of all ways. I would rather her speak to me more in the likes shown in the movie "Pecker". (Full of grace, full of grace!!) But upon further late night Internet research, I discover that there have been thousands upon thousands of the VM sightings in the damnedest of places. But my sighting in my skidded shorts, is the first of it's kind.

To many believers, these sightings are signs from God for people to keep the faith and as personal revelation to questions asked in prayer. I have not prayed in quite some time, nor have I ever asked for personal revelation, except for recently, "Dear God, please, no more skid marks, and tired of replacing underwear." And after these sightings, many followers make pilgrimage to these sights. These sights are crowded with believers then shrouded in religions relics, candles and such.

I have seen one such site in person.

In downtown Salt Lake, there is a park with tree. Years ago, while pruning this tree, the tree pruner cut of a large branch, and much to his delight, there she was, our blessed VM. Word traveled fast and if you go to this park, even a blind man could spot this tree. A permanent metal staircase, leading up to knotted hole, where our blessed lady lies, deep in the wood grain, has been installed and there are hundred of glass candles (found at many Mexican markets for $.99) surrounding it, as well as many religous icons and pictures.

I debated for a few days......"is this what I should do with my holy underwear? Hang it out on the clothes line, so that people from near and far can come worship and pay homage to the miracle that has stained my briefs?" Having grown up Mormon and that I did NOT serve a mission, maybe this is my chance to make people believe, to spread the word and maybe some cryptosporidium or hepatitis.

In the end I decided to keep scrubbing, I would be damned if I had to throw a new pair of $36 underwear out in the trash. With time, the image of Mary has faded and can no longer be called a miracle. As I look back I can see that the only miracle that was manifested that day is the knowledge that I need to stop buying generic toilet paper.